StevenWright..

[Jbb]

Steven Wright Quotes
- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a
great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people
ask me if I'm leaving.
- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came
back the entire area was missing.
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know where
sleep is." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of
tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and
just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because
that means it's going to be up all night.
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
- Earlier today I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept
wandering.
- One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in
somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all
over the world.
- My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't
find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they
were!
- I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She
looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored
socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same
because I go by thickness."
- I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. You turn on
the record, put the headphones on and learn Spanish in your
sleep; during the night the record got stuck. The next day I
could only stutter in Spanish.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.
- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
- I bought a dog the other day, he’s really smart!...I named him
Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here,
Stay!" Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around
in circles.
- The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on
the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid
of widths.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...go figure
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came
up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were
cramming for their finals.
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...
Toothpicks?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do_ write to these men? Why don't they
just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
could look for them while they delivered the mail?
- How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the OTHERS here for?
- Clones are people two.
- If a man says something in the woods and there are no women
there, is he still wrong?
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd
be gone. I said, "The whole time."
- So what's the speed of dark?
- How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who
has been dissing them anyhow?
- After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before
getting OUT of the water?
- If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it
in?
- I just got skylights put in my apartment. The people who live
above me are furious

[mirvin]

My favorite by him is:
"When I got home I realized someone had stolen everything in my house and replaced it with an exact replica"
Mirvin

[comin' unscrewed]

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

[Boatcop]

"I have a friend who's a DJ on AM radio. When we walk through a tunnel, I can't hear him talking."

[76BARRON]

I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU DIDN'T SAY!

[HighRoller]

Last night I went to the store to buy batteries. When I got home I discovered the package was empty and it said on the back "batteries not included".

[Backtanner]

I locked my keys in my car last week .... it's alright cuz I was in the car.