Reply With QuoteHysterical, but the warning in the beginning is great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Raising Kids
For those with No children - this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with Roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200
adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh",; it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in La Mesa, CA has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade-true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused, then asked the class, "...And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy crap! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
25.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Hysterical, but the warning in the beginning is great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lol
I can relate to some of those adventures.........
the VCR,
and the cat.......in a dress,..........stuffed into a play microwave oven.....to dry the cat off......"what is that meyowing sound"?
(poor cat.....she was never the same and spent the rest of her years in the garage, happily a loner cat)
the same cat spent some time in a clothes hamper (undressed)
again......"what is that meyowing sound?"
LOL I was thinking the whole time.... man, I got to try that clorox and break-fluid shit.
MOM's !
Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've
had a baby ... somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is
history.
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct ... somebody
never took a three-year-old shopping.
Somebody said being a mother is boring ... somebody never rode in a car
driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.
Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good"...
somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.
Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices ... somebody never
came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through
the neighbor's kitchen window.
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother ... somebody
never helped a fourth grader with his math.
Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the
first ... somebody doesn't have five children.
Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing
questions in the books ... somebody never had a child stuff beans up his
nose or in his ears.
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery ...
somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of
kindergarten ... or on a plane headed for military "boot camp"
Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand
tied behind her back ... somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to
sell cookies.
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married ...
somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a
mother's heartstrings.
Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home ...
somebody never had grandchildren.
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her
... somebody isn't a mother.
Originally posted by NastyOne
LOL I was thinking the whole time.... man, I got to try that clorox and break-fluid shit.
Trust me!
Do not try this in an enclosed room while walking the treadmill!
Originally posted by JETBOAT BRIAN
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
20.) The fire department in La Mesa, CA has a 5-minute response time.
Hmmmm. La Mesa Fire has some fast response times to Austin TX..
Originally posted by NastyOne
LOL I was thinking the whole time.... man, I got to try that clorox and break-fluid shit.
Me too!
Originally posted by JETBOAT BRIAN
24.) The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade-true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused, then asked the class, "...And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy crap! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
My favorite! The visual is pretty damn funny!
My seven year-old son informed me yesterday that you should not put silly putty on a light-bulb when it's on.
Light-bulb's in the trash.
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