All of his life George from Caribou, ME, had heard stories of an
amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and
great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On
that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first
legal drink.
So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a
boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and
nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake
like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into George's eyes and said,
"Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great-grandfather
were born in January, you were born in July."
You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then
I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
I got a sweater for Christmas...really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.
If your parachute doesn't open up for you, you've obviously jumped to a
I'd never make it on one of those Survivor shows. Every time I even
think about eating something like caterpillars, I get butterflies in my
Coincidence is just an euphemism for conspiracy.
It's neither conservative nor liberal to be anti-war. It's
Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.
People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.